Struggle

There are so many struggles in life, and right now I feel more aware of them. I'm hoping that as I struggle I'll grow. I'm hoping that in these struggles I can be more than I feel I can. I'm hoping that light will shine out of what often times seems so dark to me. Some days the struggles don't seem as bad - the kids listen, the house looks decent, laundry isn't a mountain, old clothes fit that haven't fit for the last 7ish years (read pre-H). Small little victories to make things seem doable. Other days the struggle seems more than I think I can handle - constant fighting of stubborn (or strong-willed) boys (like their Mama...and Daddy...and Grandpa....and this list could get really long), miscommunications with Husband, hectic schedules, lack of sleep, etc.

Here are a few of today's happy moments, the light in the struggle.

J had me laughing. I can't remember what he did, but it just wouldn't work right. He was a comedy of errors, and he didn't know they were errors, but it so easily could have frustrated me and it didn't. It was wonderful to be able to look at him being him and smile; to not feel irritated or rushed - to appreciate what an amazing person he is. I really wish I could remember what happened.

G was a little ray of sunshine also. They got two mini scones each. He saved one for his Aunt Becca. Then he halved it for her (and ate one of the halves). He shared a bit of Aunt Becca's half with his baby brother, and when I suggested he shared more he continued to say the bit that was left was Aunt Becca's. (I did convince him to eat it and share with his brother, which may seem terrible but Aunt Becca thanked me for not having to eat something his hands were all over. She loves my boys but we all have our lines about what we will and won't eat/drink when it comes to sharing with kids. I don't know where his hands had been so I totally understand). He wanted to make her special (and he used those exact words) by giving her a gift.

W, who hasn't yet turned 2 (only a week to go) saw a mess on the floor where his brother had spilled yogurt and asked for a napkin to clean it up. I gave it to him and  he cleaned the floor. It was not a small mess, but my baby cleaned it up for his brother.

H, who has complained of a tummy ache all day today, smiled at me because I brought medicine to his school to make him feel better. It was the best smile ever. One that told me he loved me and he knew I thought he was special because I drove all the way to his school.

Each of these boys is one of my struggles. I love them, and I know they make me a better person because they challenge me. Sometimes it's hard to look past the challenge - not that I forget who they are and that I love them, but to remember that there is more to each of them than how I'm feeling about their behavior or attitudes or messes right at that moment. I'm glad that today I can say I tried (and I think succeeded) in seeing each of them.

My Grandma

She was amazing. She doted on me. She made me believe I could do anything. She was feisty. She was stubborn. She was loved!

This morning I found out she passed away. She had Alzheimer's and Parkinson's but it was still unexpected. I am so thankful I was able to spend time with her a week ago. I'm thankful my boys got to see her and hug her and kiss her. I'm thankful that we were able to celebrate her 91st birthday. That last weekend was more of a gift for us than it was for her. I'm now thankful that she is no longer in pain and that I will one day see her again.

Today has been surreal. The fullness of the information still hasn't completely set in. I know that over the next few days it will. There have been tears today and I know more will follow. I know that telling our children will be difficult and I'm thankful for a husband who will be with me to help.

I feel to many emotions to truly put it into words. She was my grandma and I adored her. She will be missed.

The person I want to be

The person I want to be is not the person I am. I was much closer to being that person 6 years ago in some ways, and in other ways I'm closer now. Daily I find myself doing things that I want to stop, though in the moment it doesn't always seem possible. Right now, in this quiet moment of the morning, all of it seems possible. Everything seems obtainable. I know it will mean hard work. I know it will me refocusing myself multiple times a day, possibly even multiple times an hour, but I want to do it. I want to make that effort. I want to be the best me I can be. I want my children to have the best mom they can. So, today, in this moment,  I will decide do my best and see the bright side, to not yell,  be an encourager, and to set the example. And, now, to begin with breakfast and getting ready for school.

Creative

I managed to get creative yesterday.

I have several projects that I need to complete (sewing coats for the twins, aprons for gifts, the list goes on), but I wanted something fun. I haven't done any scrapbooking or card making since about November. Last week I worked on one idea and pulled some different papers, embellishments, stamps, etc. out. Then, yesterday, I sat down and created. It felt nice. Maybe I'll do that again this week, maybe not. Either way, I'm glad I did some creating yesterday.

18 months

W was 18 months old yesterday. I don't know where the time has gone. He is growing so fast. He's tall (probably not for his age but he just looks so big). He talks a lot. He loves his brothers SO much. He loves his daddy and gets so excited when he comes home from work. He has quite the personality and brings joy to all of our lives.

His check up isn't until next week so I don't have any cool stats about his height or weight at the moment. I can tell you he says: sock and shoes, flashlight, applesauce, each of his brother's names (in his own way), Mama, Daddy, Grandma, Papa, eat, cup, up, please, thank you, your welcome, no (very emphatically - he practices but never uses it with us), uh-huh, uh-uh, ball, Becca, Paula, and I know there are more I'm forgetting. He can woof and howl like a dog and quack like a duck. He walks, runs, climbs (up and down), and tries to spin around in circles. He tries to jump but his feet don't quite make it off the ground yet. He eats most anything and nothing all at the same time. He'd be content to drink milk all day but I do my best to sneak a smoothie in there for nutrition purposes. He loves chocolate and has recently discovered Dum dums (thanks to the Drs office). He loves to be held and cuddled and tickled and does his best to wrestle and keep up with the big boys. He throws fits more than any of my other children and is willing to scream to make himself known if he feels he needs to. Daily I learn more about his personality and I am so excited to continue to do so. Part of me wants to keep him small, to hold on to the pudgy hands and desire to cuddle and be held, but I am also ready to see who he will become and to do my best to guide him as he grows.

Finished

I finally finished H's coat. I started it over Chrismas break and mostly finished it. All I had left to do was add cuffs (the sleeves were a smidge short) and buttons/button holes. I put it off for no real reason but I am glad to say it is done and he loves it. He calls it his cool jacket and has worn it to school every day since I finished it (made funnier by our 80° temps each day, at least it starts out cool).

Before it was finished

All done (and his pose idea)

Lining and details

Now to force myself to sew up the twins who ask me daily if theirs are done. At least I'm on my way - they're both cut out.

January

It's January and I have yet to write any posts like I thought I would. This month has flown by. I can't say I've been overly productive but I'm hoping to complete some larger projects soon (like coats for each of the boys).

Here's a little update on each of us.

Husband is awesome and loving his job. He's busy but enjoying some changes that are new this year.

I'm doing better about cleaning and hoping to be done with all the allergy/sinus whatever that seems to be a constant every January.

H is doing well in school. This past week he brought home his best progress report yet. He loves legos and is a big help. We're working on starting chores with him. He likes school still and has been speaking Spanish better.

G and J are growing so quickly; they turned 4 in December.  They are attending preschool for a few hours one day a week. They enjoy having friends over and playing with others. G is working really hard on writing his name. It is awesome. He always leaves out the o and always writes certain letters as capitals. J is enjoying art more and his drawings amaze me. At preschool this past week he drew houses, a ladder, and hearts. They are very active boys.

W is SO big. At his 15 month check up he weighed 20 lbs. He walks, runs, and climbs. He is trying to talk and now says: Mama, Addy (daddy), Papa, apple, banana, please, socks and shoes, and cracker. Today he said chip. He tries to say thank you sometimes and I've heard him say what sounds like I love you after I've said it. He likes to wrestle and love on his brothers. He's still very much a Mama's boy.

I think that's about all. Life is keeping us busy.