So many thoughts running through my head lately, so many thoughts and not enough action. Sometimes Husband reminds me of how action oriented I was when we first met and married. I don't know that he's right. Still, I'll give him that I was much more can do and will do then than I sometimes am now. I'm sure some of that has to do with being overly tired (as much my fault as it is my children's). Even though I may not agree that I was so action oriented, I want that person back. I want to be more like I was in that area.
Housework is not my strength. My mom worked full time and, while my mom wanted a clean house and we did try to keep up with chores, our house was never immaculate. Perhaps that's why it's one of the first things I let slide. Well, that and I hate folding laundry unless it's towels or sheets. Housework is so repetitive...it never ends. Add four boys to that mix and they can undo what I did and more much faster than I can do anything. Not an excuse, just a fact. I want to try harder, and I am, but catching up is difficult. I'll get there some day. Right now I'm thankful that the only dishes left to wash (and they will wait until tomorrow) are pots/pans and tupperware. I'm also thankful for a sister-friend who will help fold my laundry so I don't have to fold as much.
My family is my life, and that's hard. I want me time. I want, and need, time away from my boys to do things I want to do. I need time away to recharge. I most definitely can use a nap most any time of any day. These are things I'm working on too (with the help of Husband). Somehow staying at home can seem more difficult and draining than teaching 35 11/12-yr-olds some days. I can't leave my work at work, it's always with me, and I love it. I wouldn't want to go back to teaching. I love being home. Still, it wears me down.
Because it wears me down, I struggle with my boys sometimes...four boy ages 5, 3, 3, and 5 months is not easy. They are rowdy and loud and aggressive. They fight and argue over who had something first or who has the biggest sandwich (that's mainly a 5-yr-old thing). They all want undivided attention. They are also some of the sweetest boys on earth. They love to cuddle (me, Husband, each other). The older three are so sweet with their baby brother - holding him, hugging him, kissing him, trying to make him laugh. They can be so helpful about picking up or setting the table. Today Husband took the older three to the park and J missed me so much he hugged a woman's leg while saying, "Mama." (This was in direct contrast to the oldest who was singing how happy he was they didn't have to take me to the park with them). They love me and I am a better person because I have them. They deserve the best mama in the world, and I know I fail that daily, but I'm trying. I'm trying to do more with them. I'm trying to focus more on my older three while still giving attention to the youngest. I'm trying to have more hands on things for them to do when weather keeps us inside. I'm trying to remember to take a deep breath, I don't want to be the yeller that sometimes comes out when I'm tired and frustrated and someone just got hurt because they were wrestling after lights were turned out for bedtime.
So many I'm tryings. So many things that require me to change, even if only in small ways that add up to big ways. So many failures that require me to shake them off and start over. I am blessed with a family who loves and forgives me for these short comings. I am blessed with friends and family who support me, several of who are in similar situations in life and struggle with the same things. Life isn't easy, but I'm so glad I am blessed as I am.
**Linking up to Stephanie Howell's blog today. You can go there by clicking on her name or the blog your heart icon at the top. **