Letting go

I thought letting go on the first day of kindergarten was hard, and it was. Tonight somehow feels more difficult. H is away at a slumber party. He's stayed at a friends house before and I was okay with it. I've left town and had him stay with grandparents. I've been in the hospital giving birth and had him staying with aunts and uncles. Still, tonight feels more difficult.

He was leery of leaving. He's been more clingy lately with both Husband and me. He wasn't sure and that makes it harder for me to be sure he'll be fine. That little boy can infuriate me one second and melt my heart the next. Right now my heart is nervous and scared. I'm afraid he's feeling nervous and scared. I'm afraid he misses me and I can't be there like he needs. He's growing up and I'm having a hard time letting go. 

He was so excited about this party last week. Then he found out I wouldn't be going and that was only okay because he could bring a cuddly toy. This morning he didn't want to go camping without his daddy, and he didn't like tents (not true). As he left he seemed excited. He had a friend and there were two sleeping bags in the trunk (along with two pillows, backpacks, and presents). He was ready to go. I have no idea if he kept that demeanor, but I hope he did. 

Don't get me wrong, I trust the people he is with. I know he likes the children he'll be hanging out with. I'm just a mom having a hard time letting her first baby boy go and grow up a little. It's been nice having a break. The twins were in bed early (no naps today) and W was easy. We had some nice us time and he went down at his normal time. I've been able to relax. It's been great. Still, when the twins come and get me (which has happened a couple of times) I'm aware of the empty bed in their room. Growing up is hard, and as a parent I think it might even be a little harder to watch. 

I never realized how much I loved being in control of everything until now - this past year. He's been exposed to so much and experienced so much that I can't control. I'd love to control everyone else's children and make sure they're all nice and he never gets hurt and he excels in all areas of school and never looses recess and the list goes on. I can't. Letting go...

Cute picture minus the dirty foot

Cracks me up. The picture was taken
at the perfect moment.